1. Introduction: The Sibling Experience
Madhavi: Namaste and welcome to the Ananya Child Development Center Podcast. I'm Madhavi Adimulam. Today, we are exploring a deeply personal and often overlooked aspect of the autism journey: the experience of siblings. Growing up with a brother or sister on the autism spectrum presents unique challenges and joys, shaping the lives of everyone in the family. To help understand this experience, I'm honored to welcome Dr. Pranav Kumar Chenichery, co-founder of Ananya. Pranav brings a unique perspective, not just as a professional, but as someone who has lived this experience firsthand. His older brother, Varun, is a talented Hindustani musician and is also on the autism spectrum. Pranav, welcome to the podcast.
Pranav: Hi. I am glad to be here. Thank you.
Madhavi: I think many of our listeners, both parents and siblings, will find comfort and insight in your experiences.
2. Early Realizations: Understanding Difference
Madhavi: Pranav, let's start at the beginning. What are some of your earliest memories of Varun? When did you first begin to understand that he was different, or that he experienced the world in a unique way?
Pranav: I think from the age of three or four, I started to understand. My brother didn't like the same toys I liked. Or doing the same things. Or going out to play with friends. Or meeting people. He wouldn't talk much or answer questions. At that age, I started to understand there was something different. There was no particular age when I fully understood. It was a gradual realization. An understanding of who he is as we grew older.
3. Processing Sibling Difference: An Emotional Perspective
Madhavi: Was it emotionally difficult for you to process all this at that age?
Pranav: Um, it was not emotionally difficult. I think at a very early age, I understood some people have life in a certain way. I accepted the fact this is how my sibling is. There was a little apprehension. A little confusion. Why is my sibling like this? But as time went on, I thought, okay, every sibling is different. Every parent is different. So, this is how my sibling is.
4. Parenting Dynamics: Attention and Balance
Madhavi: Did you feel any difference in the way Acha (Dad) and I were parenting you? Did you feel left out or that you didn't get enough attention?
Pranav: No. I think that way, both of you did a great job. I anyway demanded a lot more attention, so I got the attention I needed. But, um, I think we both had fun. I worked around the fact that Varun had certain difficulties. But I still would try to engage him. Maybe he was not very social, and I was almost hyper-social. So we would pull that together. Find a middle road. Somehow, I would still try to engage with him.
5. Understanding and Adapting: Shared Experiences
Madhavi: Yeah, I remember once or twice, you asked me, "Why doesn't Varun play with me? Does he not like me?" I remember we got you this book called "My Brother Is Different." We read that book to you. Then you slowly started understanding why Varun had different rules at home. Why you didn't have the same rules. Also, you kind of made the most of the situation. I remember we used to go to McDonald's. We'd get a toy. You always used to tell me, "Anyway, Varun is not going to play with this toy. Can I choose his toy also?" And you were choosing both the toys. Varun was into learning scripts and languages. The toy cover used to have instructions in different languages. You used to give your cover also to Varun. He was very happy keeping both the covers. And you were very happy with both the toys! I never saw you fighting for toys. My parenting became easy because you both got what you wanted without fighting.
Pranav: I remember one birthday when we were in the UK. I asked for a very expensive toy. I said, "Anyway, you don't get Varun any gift for his birthday. Why don't you get me this and consider it for both of us?"
Madhavi: I remember. Even now, you say that, by the way. "I am the one with expensive taste. He doesn't ask for anything. So you can give his share of money also to me." Yes. So I think we had a great time in childhood too.
6. School Challenges: The Protective Sibling Role
Madhavi: There were situations I remember which were challenging in school for you. Because you were both going to the same school in the UK. You were always worried about Varun. Can you talk about your school experience?
Pranav: This was the most difficult stage for Varun as well. This is when we had gone from India to the UK. It was the first time Varun was put in a big school. In the UK schooling system, parents really cannot be there. You had teachers and shadow teachers. So Varun was away from home for six, seven hours. There was always this anxiety I had. Maybe they're not going to do right by Varun. Or just not take care of him as well as we would. Being a younger sibling, I think I had to step into the role of an elder sibling throughout my life. Because of the fears that he might get bullied. I remember one incident. A child was trying to bully him. That's my first moment, I think, when I realized I have to always be there to protect my brother. I actually stood up to that bully. I asked him to get away from him. Varun didn't even know what was going on.
Madhavi: And I remember you told me every time Varun went to the toilet, you also went. Just to ensure he was safe. Because there are no teachers in the toilet all the time. And once you did something in India, in your preschool. You pushed a child away from Varun. The teacher called me. She told me you pushed her child. I came to the school. The teacher called you. You said, "Somebody had to take care of my brother. Since you were not doing anything, I took up that responsibility." I was also worried. If you were in school, at the back of your mind, you always had Varun. "Oh, this is break time. Where is Varun?" Even though Varun had a shadow teacher. It's like having two shadow teachers! It is actually difficult for siblings in the same school sometimes.
7. Safety and Security: Being in the Same School
Pranav: I don't think it's difficult. In fact, I felt a lot safer knowing Varun was in the same place as me. The kind of person I am, I felt nice knowing Varun was around. Worst case, anything happens, I'm there. I can help. If he was somewhere else, I think I would've been even more worried. It was nice to know he was just a corridor away.
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8. Explaining Autism to Friends
Madhavi: Did your friends ever ask why your brother was like that? Or why he behaved like that? How did you talk to your friends about Varun?
Pranav: In the UK, I don't think anyone asked. Everyone knew. Varun had separate classes or someone with him. After coming back to India, since you had always told me and we spoke openly about autism, what Varun has, and how we were dealing with it, I was very upfront. I tried my best to explain to my friends whatever my understanding was at that age. I'd say, "Yeah, this is how my brother is." Then I would also explain how he's a savant and a prodigy. He knows all these languages. He is good with all these things. That piqued their interest. They would say, "Wow, who's this? I'd like to meet this person." That's how I explained it.
9. Handling Curiosity and Stares
Madhavi: Did you ever feel your friends were staring at him?
Pranav: I don't remember anyone staring particularly. In general, kids stare if there's something different. Even a child with crutches. I think those kinds of stairs probably were there. People were looking. But that never bothered me. I knew the staring was out of curiosity. There was no ill intent. It was just something different.
10. Traveling Challenges: Picky Eating and Adaptations
Madhavi: Most of our holidays were in Kerala. Did you feel you had to make changes? Did you feel burdened by traveling with Varun?
Pranav: When we were younger, Varun was a very picky eater. Packing food and getting him to eat while traveling... I remember times we carried Dosa batter and special Podis he liked. There was a phase he only ate dosa and ketchup. He had multiple food phases. He was an extremely picky eater. But over the years, Varun has grown and changed so much. Now he eats pretty much anything. He loves trying new cuisines. But yes, traveling... the food part was difficult. Apart from that, Varun is easy to travel with. If he sits, he sits. If he's entertained, he's fine anywhere. We always managed to keep him occupied. He'd have his books, pens, scribble in notebooks, write in different languages. He'd go through pages by the time we got to Kerala by road. If you need help with picky eating, our nutrition therapy team can provide support.
11. Feeling Included: Supplements and Sibling Rivalry
Madhavi: Yeah, food was one thing. And I remember he was taking lots of supplements. You asked me, "Why only give supplements to Varun? I want them too!" I remember talking to the homeopath and getting those sugar pills for you. Just to make you feel important. Because every morning we had Varun's supplement routine. You used to ask, "Where are my supplements?" I used to give you those pills. You were happy having those sugary pills.
Madhavi: Did you have any sibling rivalry? Any conflict issues?
Pranav: With Varun, never. I felt responsible for him. Sometimes I felt like the older brother. Sometimes like a parent. Even now, my emotion towards Varun is that of a parent. Because I had to sometimes step up. I never thought of him as a rival. Always as someone needing care and protection. I don't think we had much rivalry. When I was younger, maybe a little bit of "who gets the spotlight" battle. But that was a "me" thing, not him. He didn't even know he was part of it.
12. Shared Interests: Music and Food
Madhavi: Even movies. You wanted to watch kids' movies. Varun was absolutely not ready.
Pranav: I remember we tried. It was too much. The sounds, the volume, the lights. A sensory overload for Varun. I think we tried a couple of times in the UK. Then I would go with you, I remember.
Madhavi: Yes. We both used to watch movies. Was there any moment of connection? Shared interests? I know you both are into music. You play tabla. Did you take up tabla because Varun was singing?
Pranav: I never could stick to one instrument. You know best, you paid for all the classes! Keyboard, guitar... I tried singing. None worked. Then, finally, I realized, "Well, Varun's doing Hindustani. Why don't I try the tabla?" It seemed interesting. I'd never considered an Indian instrument. So, 50% giving up on others, 50% because it was familiar and might be useful to Varun. Shared interests apart from that? Well, we both like food now. Varun has widened his palate. He enjoys different cuisines. I remember even as kids, cousins, aunts, uncles knew: if Varun chooses something, it's the best on the menu! You could order it blindly. His palate was very particular. But shared interests... it's difficult. Varun's thinking plane and mine... I'm bogged down by more mundane things. It'll be difficult. But there's no lack of love. Exploring different therapies, like auditory integration therapy, can sometimes help bridge gaps in shared experiences.
13. Inspiration and Motivation: The Sibling Influence
Madhavi: I remember when he won the Pundit Jasraj Award. You said, "Every time, Varun's photos only come in the paper. When will my photo come?"
Pranav: I think the year after that, mine came in the newspaper.
Madhavi: Yes. So, he was setting standards, like a typical elder brother. You felt you needed to do something as good. In our family, we never looked at Varun as less. We always thought he was better. We had to rise to his level.
Pranav: Though I've had to be an older brother for Varun, I also feel Varun is the reason I have excelled. In many opportunities where I could have done less, chosen the easier road, I chose the more difficult road. Because I thought it could benefit Varun more. Maybe that's one reason why I chose medicine.
14. Choosing a Path: Medicine and Understanding
Madhavi: I think so. We had this conversation. I asked, "Are you sure about medicine? You love arts, poetry, history." You said, "I can do history and poetry as a hobby, but I can't do medicine as a hobby."
Pranav: I think the answer I gave you was, "I can be a doctor who enjoys poetry and literature, but not a poet who does surgery." You surprised us when you chose medicine after 10th.
Pranav: I think it was one of the best decisions. There was also a yearning for understanding autism, many such issues we deal with daily at Ananya. So many children come with difficulties. I wanted to know more, understand more. Medicine is a path through which I can understand more about the difficulties children face. Not just my brother, but many others I see here in our Ananya centers.
15. Empathy and Perspective: Lessons Learned
Madhavi: And also, we feel, since we run Ananya, it's like there are many Varuns who come here.
Pranav: Exactly. Every child I see here, I see a little piece of Varun. Varun 10, 15, 20 years ago. That's why I love seeing all the children coming in for their therapy. I see a piece of my brother in each one.
Madhavi: Completely. Even when talking to parents, I constantly compare: How was Varun at 6? At 10? At 3? I tell them, "No, no, he'll be fine," because I know Varun went through this. This little fellow will too. It gives us a perspective many don't have. We live with him daily.
Madhavi: Did you have any resentment? Anytime?
Pranav: Never. Not for a second. The way I was raised, that feeling never occurred. I never felt I missed out because of Varun. In fact, I thank Varun for many things I've gained. My work ethic, compassion, striving for greatness, perfectionism... Primarily, Varun taught me how to be compassionate. That helped me be a better doctor. Understand people more. Having a sibling with special needs taught me to look at people through a different lens. When someone angers me, before anger sets in, I think: Is something bothering them? Why would they do this? That's something I thank Varun for. He's given me a new lens to view the world.
16. Befriending and Volunteering: Rising to the Occasion
Madhavi: And also, I remember introducing you to children who came here with social issues, who didn't have friends. I asked you to befriend them, play with them, invite them to parties. Sometimes maybe I pushed you a little too much. But you rose up to the occasion. You knew this kid wasn't getting invited, didn't have kids to play with. Even if it was hard, you'd tell me, but we managed.
Pranav: I remember those children. A year or two older, or the same age. By that time, I understood they needed help. I was befriending them, yes, but also trying to help them, make life easier. Befriending them, I learned a lot. We became good friends.
Madhavi: Yeah. You stayed in touch for almost a decade or more, till some moved out of India. True. And because of this, I asked you to be part of my friend's charity, Eshwa. You were the first batch of young volunteers. I don't remember any resentment from you. In fact, anything challenging only made you pick up a new skill. "Why don't I read languages like Varun? Why don't I play an instrument?" You took it that way. "Let me learn." Rather than resentment, it was inspiration. Social skill therapy can also be beneficial for some children in learning these interaction skills.
17. Role Reversal and Sibling Bonds
Pranav: I think in those moments, there was a role reversal. He became the older brother I looked up to. For us, it's just the term "brother." Older, younger changes according to the situation.
Madhavi: Yeah, true. Absolutely.
Madhavi: As you said, many siblings come to Ananya, waiting while their brother or sister has sessions. They do homework here. I talk to them. I don't see resentment, like I never saw in you.
Pranav: I think they just get it. Parents are managing two kids, one with special needs. They somehow understand. I may be biased, but siblings of people with special needs are often better siblings. We don't fight as much. We get it. We are compassionate, loving, all-around better people. Sorry, but I'll say it. We've had our trials. We deserve the title "Better Sibling."
18. Advice for Younger Siblings
Madhavi: You are now 25 years into this. What would you tell younger siblings, maybe 10 or 12?
Pranav: Be patient. Things will be fine. 10 is a great age. You can still have fun and understand your sibling without the responsibility dawning on you yet. Have fun. Your sibling is different, not like others. Be lucky if he's older; he's not bossing you around! You have someone to be with always.
19. Advice for Older Siblings: Responsibility and Planning
Madhavi: And for older siblings, mid to late teens?
Pranav: Step up. This responsibility will be yours. Accept and understand it. Don't fear it. The earlier you understand your sibling will depend on you long after your parents are gone, the better you can plan your life. You organize life better knowing someone depends on you forever.
20. Future Living Arrangements: A Personal Choice
Madhavi: Yeah, absolutely. I remember telling you we are working on making a group home. "Don't worry. Varun will be taken care of." Your first reaction...
Pranav: No. I don't want him in a group home. I want him in *my* home. With me, my family. He's part of our family. Why live elsewhere? If there's nobody, fine. But when I'm there, why isn't he living with me?
Madhavi: After you told me, I researched what the person with autism thinks. They often don't want to leave home.
Pranav: The idea of a group home is needed in India. Sure. But personally, I took offense you'd even consider I'd want Varun somewhere else. Even the concept of an old age home... I don't understand. I want my parents with me. My brother with me. To know they're safe, especially when they're weakest. I'm very Indian that way. But yes, there's a requirement when there is no one.
Madhavi: There are parents with no support. Remember that elderly mother? Husband passed away. Child with cerebral palsy, 45-46 years old?
Pranav: Yes. I remember the fear in her eyes.
Madhavi: Her health was failing. She was terrified about what would happen next. Because of that fear, group homes definitely need to exist.
21. Creating a Sibling Support Community
Pranav: On that note, parents have support groups. But siblings often don't. I've been working on something. Hopefully, we can create a sibling community soon. Where siblings of people with special needs can meet. Maybe a couple of times a month. Just sit, discuss, talk about daily things, troubles, questions. Older siblings can share their journey. Younger ones can meet people like me. I yearned for that. I wish I knew more people like me. We're working to make that a reality. It doesn't have to be specific to autism, any special needs sibling is welcome. Our support circles model can be adapted for this.
22. Conclusion: A Message of Empathy and Understanding
Madhavi: Thank you so much, Pranav, for sharing your incredibly personal and insightful story. Your experiences, honesty, and perspective are invaluable. You've given listeners a glimpse into the world of a sibling growing up alongside autism. I know your words will resonate with many families. It's been such a beautiful conversation. Highlighting challenges, joys, unique bonds, and profound lessons. You've shown the power of empathy, understanding, and advocacy.
Madhavi: We hope this conversation provided comfort, inspiration, and deeper understanding. Remember, you're not alone. Resources and support are available. If you're looking for information or support, please visit our website. Or contact one of our five centers in Hyderabad. We offer a wide range of services, including assessments, therapies, parent support, and now, sibling support programs. Thank you for joining us on the Ananya Child Development Center podcast. We'll be back next time. Until then, remember to celebrate the unique strengths of every child. Create a world where everyone feels accepted, valued, and loved.
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Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes and should not be taken as medical advice. Always consult with a qualified professional.